An Open Letter To My Son

Hey Little Darlin'

First and foremost I love you.  And I have wanted you for nearly ever.  Our story is long and detailed and complicated.  And ever so simple.  Girl wants family.  Family never happens.  Girl orders sperm.  Girl has family.  Simple as that, but much, much more complicated.  But, that's our story and I promise to share with you all the details you desire as you age.  However, I will not splash them across this, our little corner of cyber life.  At least not right now on my very first blog.  I do have a filter issue. 

Which brings me to this blog.  Raising you - My 'Fuss.  I was ever so happy to give up all sorts of things for you.  I don't resent or regret a single one.  You are worth all I gave up.  And now you're 3 and I think it's time I take a thing or two back.  Perhaps to find a thing or two of my own.  I like writing, I think. I  like a finished product anyhow and I enjoy the planning and process.  So, this is my thing - My NEW thing.   Plus, I can fill it with stories of us so that one day, you'll have it and you'll know.  I tried that once - Remind me to give you the journal I kept during my pregnancy (very patchy entries) and first year of life (also patchy, sorry).   But, I like this format.  I think.  I like the idea of writing to you, about you, about us, about life...I like the idea.  That's me - An idea person. Sometimes I lack follow through.  You'll learn that.  It's not my finest trait. 

But I digress.

You, little man, motivate me in so many ways.  I'd love to present us as perfect and neat and orderly.  But, goodness...We are not.  We are fun and we laugh a lot and love each other's company.  Someone recently said, "He's mama's boy."  Well, duh?  We're a mom and kid family.  It's us and we're a good set.  I really think we sincerely LIKE each other. 

But, I digress.

I read a blog or an article or something where a mom wrote a letter to her children in which she was "being honest.:"  She knew that, like her own mother, she'd forget all the uglies and remember only the beauty of mothering in years to come when her children were grown.  She would some day say things that all moms say to their grown children as they parent, "YOU kids NEVER acted like that."  She wanted her children to know, when that day comes, she was wrong.  Her kids DID act that way and she just didn't remember them.  As your Grandma also remembers 4 perfect and cherubic children, I want to try my hand at that.  So, you know...So you can remind me when your son or daughter is misbehavin' and I don't remember such things...

Little Man,

You are the most fascinating person in the world to me.  Not to everyone, but to me.  I could talk to you all day.  I could listen to your reasoning and your curiosities and your plans for hours on end.  I could talk about you non stop. I think about you almost always.  

You are funny.  You are smart.   You are damn cute.  You are sweet.  You are polite.  You are good.

You are also a pain in the ass.   It's true.  You are.  You jump off of nearly everything and onto me with little regard to my readiness or desires.  Hot cup of coffee in my hand?  No bother - If you're on the top of the couch and spot my back in a general vicinity - You're jumping.  If I am mowing the lawn and make a sweep near a chair or picnic table you happen upon - You're jumping.

And speaking of lawn mowing.  You have a very bad habit of chasing me while I do it and trying to yank my pants down.  Nice.  Love that.

You have a mind of your own and notions and plans that can't be altered or bribed away.  If you had it in your head that you will sneak up on Grandma when you arrive in her house, there is hell to pay if she says hello first.   If you want to bring a 15th matchbox car to bed, you will.  Lord knows you will.  You don't crack fast when I dig my heals in.  You put up one hell of a fight.  Time outs are battles and can last long.  You are stubborn. 

When you've decided you won't say hello or thank you or some other friendly comments to somone, you won't.  I get embarrased by that.  "Eli, say hello to (insert name of friendly face)."  "NO!"   Lord.  Help. Me.

Sometimes you do have fits at the grocery store.  I went all postal on some old lady staring us down and judging us at the grocery store a few weeks ago.  You wanted gum.  I said no.  You will eat a pack of gum in no time, so you get it ONCE IN A WHILE. This wasn't once of those whiles.  You had other opinions.  Tears.   The old lady found you ill behaved and muttered words.  Certainly, she had children and grandchildren who once had a fit, I wondered (aloud...Like Loud...In her direction).   Your behavior was unpleasant, I admited.  But, it was also age appropriate.  Her's was simply unpleasant.  So, you can be a monster.  But, man I love you and will go all Mama Bear when my cub is being unloved.

You jumped on the display beds at Kohls.  I used to get all snarky inside my head at parents who "let" their children do that.  Sorry parents.  Now my kid has done it.  I abandon a full cart (also judged that pre Eli) and carried a screaming you out of the store.  That wasn't fun.

You have strange collections.  Acorns?  Really?   Bags and buckets of acorns.  You are part squirrel.

But, I digress...

First and foremost I love you.  And I love this crazy ass journey we're on. 

Oops. I just swore again.

More than you'll ever know little man,

Mama