That Which Motivates Me to Write Again

I finally feel it...The reason to write again.   The last I wrote, Fuss and I had just parted ways with  my partner in his first years.  Our dear friend.   And I am happy to report that all is well.   He loves his daycare and he loves his school and he looks forward to going to these places every day.  And while  he loves his new life,  he still firmly loves his "friend" whose house he spent his first four years of life at. The friend he hung with while I worked.

But, then I stopped writing.  Again.  I want something interesting to write and I want something meaningful to write.  I read blogs. I enjoy them.  I don't even mind when someone is just updating the world of what her daughter is eating.  I read it.  But, I don't think the world (or, you know...the people that actually read what I write) are interested in that. Nor am I really interested in letting the world know Fuss' weight or food preferences or updating you on his play dates.  This doesn't motivate me to write.  I want more. I think I need to be funny.  Or moving.   Or something.   

But, today I am moved to write again.  And I'm not all that funny.  And I"m probably not all that earth shattering...But, I am real.

Here's what moved me.   

Yelling.

All of sudden, as if the universe was sending me a message, people are posting all over Facebook other mother's blogs about yelling.  And how they once did it without thinking and without guilt.  And then they had an epiphany so they stopped yelling.   Forever.  And now their children are nearly perfect thanks to the fact that they no longer  yell.    Mothers who don't yell.  They don't yell because they saw the fear in their child's eye when she made a mistake.  They learned things when they stopped yelling.  They had all sorts of strategies that led to them never yelling again.  

This has gone viral.  VIRAl.  

So, my guilt goes wild because I've had those moments too - The life altering moment.  THE moment that changes my life.  Like the viral bloggers.  Only, those moments don't hold for me and I find myself deep in another situation and the memory of that "moment" doesn't keep me from cracking like it did the other bloggers.  They say they refrain from ever yelling again.  

Secret?

I think they're liars. 

Liars.  They have yelled since their moment.  And any one person who wants to tell me they never yell at their kids, I say this, "LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!"   You could tell me forever that you don't yell.  You could invite me to your home for a month to carefully observe that you don't yell and that you're always patient and that you adhere to your beliefs 100% of the time.   I could see you live up to this standard and yet - I'd know this - When no one is looking you are human.   And, in my yeas of life I have learned a few things I know to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Here is the big thing I know to be true -Human is imperfect.   So, all of us that are human are also imperfect.  Every.  Single.  Human.   Some things drive us to our very limit.   Sometimes, being taken to that limit makes us crack.  And kids  - Well, they are experts at taking us right there. They are born with an internal sensor to our buttons.  And, my word, do they push them.  I  chose to make my living with the small child and I chose to have one all by myself without any reinforcement.  I love kids.  But, they are annoying as hell.  And they can drive us to our very, very limits.  And THEY MEAN TO!   I don't believe anyone that says they don't EVER  "yell".   I will smile and nod and say, "Aren't you great?" if you tell me you don't. But, deep in my soul I will not believe you.  Somewhere you yell.  If not aloud (and I believe you do that) then you are yelling inside and kids, who are also wildly smart, know and sense this. 

Some of us yell a lot (by us, I mean me and others).  Some of you yell infrequently. But, I believe we all yell. 

And here's more...I, personally, don't think it ruins your kid if you yell at him.  In fact, I think - If played right, there is a heck of a lesson to be learned.  Dare I say -  I think it's of a damn good lesson to learn and pretty dang important to experience it.

So there.   This is what motivates me.  I yell.  I feel like crap.  I apologize.   And I will yell again.   And I will feel like crap again.  And I will apologize.  Again.  And again.  And again.  

I believe - I HAVE to believe - That he will learn from this. From my yelling and from my apologies.  I HAVE to believe he learns from my imperfections and the fact that I own up to them.  Again.  And again. 

See, we all screw up.   We are are wildly and hideously and beautifully human.  And human is imperfect.   Pretend you are perfect.  Blog about how you found the path to perfect and how your child is, consequently, perfect too.   I'm not.  You  aren't either.   And it's okay.  

It's good even.  I believe that to be true.  

So, I yell at the Fuss.   He lollygags in the morning.  Does this and does that and  he doesn't get dressed. And  he WANTS things.  Even if I'm in the shower - He wants things and will stand outside the bathroom (and sometimes in it) request them - Not so patiently.  Even if I have to shovel and get ready - He WANTS things.  And here's the thing - I work.  Someone has to pay the bills around here and given I'm the only one of a legal age to work - It has to be me.   Luckily, I chose profession that gives me summers off, holidays always free, and weekends  open.  . But, when I need to work - I NEED to get there.  I like to be early.  Certainly, I will not tolerate being late.  But, I like to be early.  I also tutor to keep us a'float so I can't stay after school so I like to get to work.

Plus, I think it's rude to be late.   For anything.  Work.  Social events.   When you commit to being somewhere at a certain hour and there is a dependence that you will be there at that time, you should.  Courtesy.  I was taught this by my mother who also held this as a value.   I think it's a good value.  I want Fuss to hold this value too.  You are a worker - You go to work on time.  Your time is important - So is your friend's.  . Be on time.  It matters.  People like it.  People learn to trust you if you are not making them wait.   It's an important value to me that I want to impart on him.  

Sooooo...When he's holding us up I get tense.  Even if he is four.  Even if he doesn't "get time".  I get tense and want him to LEARN.  I explain with all the patience I can that I am expected at work, I have jobs to do, and he does too and we need to get moving.  But, seriously...The eighth time I ask him to get him pants on so that I don't have to take him to daycare in his Batman undies I am not so nice.  In fact,. sometimes I yell.   

GET DRESSED NOW!!!!

When I say just that, I've done well.  But, often I go further.  I am tired of this every morning.  I need him to cooperate.  He needs to listen at least the THIRD time I ask.  On... And on...And on...

So, then we're in the car.  10 minutes later than I'd hoped.  But, we're in the car and I"m going to drop him off and GOD WILLING I will pick his safe and healthy self up too many hours later and I feel like crap. 

So, I apologize.  

Tell him I was wrong to yell in frustration.   

Say I should have handled it better.  Tell him what I SHOULD have done.  What I hope to do next time.  

Ask him what we could do, as a team. to do better tomorrow so that it is all better.  

And, together, we plan.  He accepts my apology.  Again and again that forgiving little soul accepts my apology.  Oh, how blessed I am that he forgives me again and again.  We make a plan together.   We will get dressed right away  - Before anything special in the morning.  .  We will chose and pack his show and tell the night before.   Together, we will do our best.   

We understand that we are human.  And we will love each other for that.

See, here's the thing.  I am the first person to yell at the Fuss, but I won't be the last.   And he will yell too. He  yells at me and I beat myself up that I taught him that.  Maybe I did.  I suspect I simply taught him the words he uses, but not the yelling.  Frustration is human.  Cracking is human.  We are all imperfect.  And if you tell me you are free of this particular imperfection..Well...I love you for that. but I don't believe you.   

My child is human and imperfect.  And so am I.

I love him for all that is perfect and imperfect about him.  I hope I am teaching him to love and forgive the imperfect in others.   I am sorry for the ways I fail him every day.  But, I have to believe, those failures serve him too.  

I yelled today.   He was whining about wanting to watch tv.  I  felt he watched too much.   Guilt of screen time combined with annoyance of whining.  Danger.   Mom yelled.   And tonight, we were cuddled on the couch watching something or the other and we talked about my yelling.  We laughed a lot about it.  And Fuss said, "Just try to remember to take a time out when you are mad, Mom.  Lock yourself in the bathroom."  The bathroom is our plan.  Sometimes I remember - Sometimes I yell anyhow.  But, he told me to "just try to remember".  Bless him.   I think he gets it.  I fail him.  And I do right by him too.  Every day and sometimes right in the same moment I do those things.  

But, here's the thing.  He forgives me.  He loves me all the same.  And, if all goes well, he is learning you can lose your shit and be loved and forgiven.  Hopefully, he is learning he can be crazy and ask for apology and receive it.   

I am learning too.  He forgives me so easily.  I am learning to forgive him the same.  And to see in others what happens in me.  Sometimes we act in ways we aren't proud of. and then we vow that tomorrow we will do better.  But, Thursday we might not.  Thursday might be hard and we might crack again.  And then, Friday, we will do better again.  And all the while we ask for forgiveness.  All the while we say, "I am imperfect.  Please love me anyway."   And learning to love the imperfect and accept our imperfections....Well, sorry "Blogger With the Epiphany Who Was Perfect There After" I think you're lying.

And I love you anyway.  You, too, are teaching me a lot.

Search for those epiphanies and try your darnedest to hold them tight - In a good moment, they will hold you to your ideal.  But, they may not and that's okay.  Everyone will love you anyway as long as you say, "Wow.  I lost it.  I'm sorry."

And to my son - I can only promise that I will. keep apologizing and admitting my weakness.  And I can promise you this - I wish I was perfect, but that's impossible.  And it's impossible for you too so just ask for forgiveness.  Admit you were wrong.   And then, try to do better.

I'm sorry I yell.  It's unlikely I'll stop, so I'm sorry.

I love you so very, very much.  In loving you - I'm perfect.