A Woefully Late Post of Thanksgiving





“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual…O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. No run on my bank can drain it, for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.”
-Henry David Thoreau

I meant to post earlier.  Like for Thanksgiving, I meant to.  I thought of it often - The abundance in my life and how thankful I am for all of it.  For the family that brought me here and supports me and loves me.  For the friends that are just like family and make my life richer.  For a career that matters and I know matters in spite of where we are right now as a nation and state in education.  For a house that keeps me sheltered and warm and full. And, also, keeps me in touch with both wildlife and my killer instinct. 

 For my little Fuss. 

Always for him.  Above all - I am thankful for Eli. I would not be here in this little state of gratitude if he wasn't in my life.  It is simply that simple.  It is his being that makes me know how abundant my life and possessions are.  He anchors me to life. 

It is an imperfectly perfect life we have.  Certainly, this isn't what I ever envisioned or planned.  It was all supposed to be just a bit more traditional.  But, it didn't work out that way and I wouldn't have it any other way.  A three year old doesn't usually tell his mom he would like a baby in the house so that he can have a friend here.  A three year old doesn't always bring his mom the phone and say, "Mom, call the doctor to see if he has more sperm."  No.  We are not traditional.  We are imperfect.  And all at the same time we are completely perfect.

But, I say again - It is our little nontraditional life that opens my eyes to the world.

I was so scared telling people my plan.  So scared someone would get all judgy and righteous WITH ME and I would get all angry and defensive WITH THEM.    And maybe, just maybe, if enough people were judgy and righteous maybe I'd second guess this all.  At the very least, I'd eat a sleeve of girl scout cookies and a pint of ice cream. 

But, nobody did.  At least not to my face.  Nobody burdened me with their reserervations and objections.  And nobody that really mattered to me ever let on to anything but love and support. 

This isn't what a parent dreams for their child.  I know that - I know that because I'm a mother now and I have this recurring vision of Fuss' wedding day.  He's grown and kind and ever so happy.  And he's about to make a family of his own.  He's going to have a wife and give me grandchildren.  And I am simultaneously relieved and joyful.  Relieved that his life will be full of all the joys that being human brings, but also full of the struggle and heartaches and humanity of life.  I am so relieved that, unlike me, he will share those joys and struggles with someone.  Someone to multiply his joys, and share the burdens of the hard times.  Someone to call his and someone to love.   And I am joyful that he is so happy.  Plus, also, I have a pretty f-ing fantastic dress and I've lost weight.  Also,  somehow I have heels on and really?  With feet this size and width heels are just out for me, but in my vision I have them.  And my feet don't even hurt.  So, really?  Why wouldn't I be joyful - My son is happy and I'm semi-thin and I'm wearing great clothes and heels?  

But, my point is - In spite of any denial she may make - This isn't what my mom would have hoped for me, so my heart fills when I think of how fantastic she's been.  My heart fills when I think of her.  She loves us so much.  Supports us.  She is Fuss' only grandparent and fills that role perfectly.  She fills it with endless love and chocolate milk and even a treat drawer.   She never once made me second guess myself when I decided to have a child.  And she was there every step of the way in ways I share and in ways I don't.   So, my gratitude cup could not be fuller.  Thank you.  Thank you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.  And I love you so much. 

My sister did the single kindest thing for me that anyone has ever done.  I told her in December that 2008 was the year.  The year I'd stop talking and start basting (those of you around for the duration know what I'm saying).  She gave me the kindest gift at a time when very few people knew what was looming around the corner.  A book -  A pregnancy book.  And a sweet little onesie that I will have forever.  My first baby things - But, they were so much more.  Almost a silent nod of approval and gentle nudge to move forward.  To follow this dream.. They were exactly what I needed.  Thank you.  I love you. 

A special thank you to my sister's amazing boys.  He loves you so much - WE love you so much.  He may not have a father, but he has men (and a very tall boy) to look up to and love.  And love he does.  You fill such a spot for one little boy and I could not be more thankful.

My brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nephews, and my niece.  My nontraditional little family was welcomed into the bigger family.  And for that I am thankful.  It fills my heart to see Fuss' pure joy with his cousins.  I only slightly want to flick him in the head when he is thankful for his stuffed puppy and cousins and not me.  Only slightly.  Mostly, I love that he will turn his back on me to run off with his Uncle or cousin.  It has all been even more than I hoped.  Thank you.  I love you all.

My friends - Oh my friends.  Friends come and go in life - Move forward and back.  But, so so many friends provided support through my years of grieving the loss of my dream to the years when I visioned a new dream to the time I made it happen.  So many shared in my joy of this life and make this daunting task of parenting alone just a little bit easier.  And now still.  "That Girl" (you know who you are), I thank you often for your wise words, your counseling, and your humor.   And somewhere out there is a friend who is lost from my life.  But, she was there too. I miss the friendship we had, but am thankful it was part of my life when I needed it most.  It carried me often when I felt I couldn't stand.    And I am so very thankful for friends gone and friends here.  Thank you - I love you more than you know.

But, maybe today  my biggest gratitude is something I have been giving a lot of thought to.  At any given moment I have to power to say, "This is not how my story ends."  I have changed my story before.  A room away from me sleeps the bravest and hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am stronger and braver than I give myself credit for.  So, there is no reason that I can not change the things I do not like in life - Make myself healthier and better.  And change it for me, and for those I love most.   My story does not have to end like this. 

So - Here's to a giving of thanks.  There is so much to hold onto and embrace.  So much.  Abundance.